Belonging versus fitting in – what’s the difference?
Every young person wants to belong, but not at the expense of being someone they aren’t to fit in.
Every young person wants to belong, but not at the expense of being someone they aren’t to fit in.
“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
It’s a dilemma that can emerge around adolescence. Young people want to be part of a certain friendship or social group, or to be part of the footy team or drama club, and they will do whatever they can to ‘belong’. They’ll change their interests, change how they wear their uniform or hair, and they might talk or behave differently, too.
It’s easy to mistake ‘fitting in’ for truly ‘belonging’ – but they are not the same thing.
“Everyone wants to belong to something bigger than themselves – that’s human nature,” says Carly McLatchie, Head of Professional Learning and Development at Haileybury who was previously Head of Girls Middle School.
“But when we belong, we are valued for what we bring and for everything that makes us who we are, and we are missed when we are not around. We feel valued and acknowledged for our good and bad habits – we are true to ourselves.
“Fitting in is trying to be something you are not. Girls might change what they wear, they’ll do their hair a certain way, old interests might be discarded for new interests and they’ll feign interest in something they don’t really care about. They might do things that are out of character in order to fit in, but that doesn’t mean they have a true sense of belonging.”Carly McLatchie, Head of Professional Learning and Development
Life can become harder if adolescents prioritise belonging to a certain group, try to fit in and don’t. Adam Tobin, Head of Boys Middle School, says social media can also increase pressures and expectations to look, be or behave a certain way.
“When young people hit adolescence, they can have an identity crisis and might struggle to fit in to a social group. They might do things they don’t want to do. Their moods and body language might change. They may not want to come to school on a particular day because they are trying to fit in and don’t feel comfortable,” says Adam.
“On the other hand, belonging is being part of a community. You have a sense of who you are and you feel comfortable. Fitting in is doing whatever is asked of you to try and be part of something, but it’s not comfortable and it might not be who you really are.”Adam Tobin, Head of Boys Middle School
Schools and families play a key role in helping young people recognise the important difference.
Type on the line above then press the Enter/Return key to submit a new search query