Imagine a childhood with no arguments, no compromises and where you always win a game or get the treat you are craving. It might sound idyllic, but a childhood that is all fun and no challenge means that it becomes a lot harder to face the real world as an adult.
“As parents, it is natural to want to protect our children from disappointment or uncomfortable situations, but shielding them from all challenges means they are less able to handle adversity when it arises,” explains Nathan Chisholm, Deputy Principal - Wellbeing.
Supporting children’s wellbeing is not about removing any obstacle or disappointment in a child’s path, but equipping them with the skills to manage challenges when they inevitably arise.
“Children are far more likely to build resilience when they are encouraged to solve problems, experience natural consequences, and reflect on setbacks with the guidance of trusted adults”Nathan Chisholm, Deputy Principal - Wellbeing
"It is a very normal and essential part of growing up,” explains Nathan.
Tips for helping children to be resilient
- Help children develop a growth mindset. Help children see mistakes as learning opportunities, and encourage them to believe that they can grow through putting in effort and having new experiences.
- Children need to experience discomfort. This helps them to cope with future challenges.
- Foster independence by encouraging children to take on responsibilities that are appropriate for their age and abilities.
Dr Judith Locke is the author of the books The Bonsai Child, The Bonsai Student and Raising Anxiety. She recently spoke at a parenting seminar at Haileybury and shared some of the following insights.
- Avoid overparenting (the ‘Bonsai’ Concept): Dr Locke warns against over-involved parenting that creates ‘bonsai’ children. Children who are highly nurtured can lack the ‘root system,’ or resilience, to thrive as they get older.
- Step back to build resilience: Children grow stronger and more confident when they can face and overcome their own challenges. Dr Locke advises parents to normalise feelings of fear or disappointment as a natural part of growth rather than trying to solve every problem for children.
- Establish clear, unemotional boundaries: Parents should provide structure through clear rules and immediate, unemotional consequences. This helps children understand accountability without the added weight of parental shame or long lectures.
- Shift from ‘salary’ to ‘commission’: For older children and teens, privileges, like having a lift to a friend's house, can often be ‘earned’ through contributions to the household. This helps to teach young people that effort and contributing to others leads to rewards.
- Healthy technology use: Dr Locke recommends placing limits on personal devices, particularly at night and during meals. This helps to protect children’s sleep, encourage real-world interaction and prevent scrolling or gaming addictions.
- Prepare for ‘real life’: Dr Locke’s book Raising Anxiety argues that modern efforts to protect children from discomfort may inadvertently increase anxiety. Practical strategies include building essential life skills and changing how families discuss challenges.
By allowing our young people to face age-appropriate challenges and supporting them as they deal with any setbacks, parents and carers play a crucial role in raising resilient, capable young people ready for life’s joys and challenges.
